I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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