Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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