I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
