You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
