That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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