its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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