I think im going to throw up on grandma
I skipped work to stalk him.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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