id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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