guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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