I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
