Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
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The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
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Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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