We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize
