I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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