I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
