I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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