If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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