Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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