Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
