i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
