all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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