dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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