I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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