toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I smell like Dick and happiness
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