Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
