Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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