I am midnight drunk by noon
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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