So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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