omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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