Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
