I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You ruined the universe
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
