Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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