Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
