I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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