So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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