I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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