maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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