I accidentally had phone sex last night
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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