fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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