it's too hot outside to masturbate.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize