So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
