mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
