hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Acid is not a monday night drug
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
