based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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