i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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