I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
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We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
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When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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