My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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