Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
