Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
