Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
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for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
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I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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