Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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