I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
