sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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