Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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