So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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